New life, 12:00

Last week I geave notice at my current job. I've decided to go back to teaching. Literally, I'll be back in the same classroom I left 8 years ago. I'll be across the hall from the same teacher but it all seems very new and scary.
I never had that moment when I knew what I wanted to be. No, that's a lie. I knew what I wanted to be, but I gave it up for a "real" career and family life. The past 12 or so years have been a lot of wandering. Not aimless, always forward, but wandering the same. I had goals and I met them. Unfortunately, I forgot to live my life during all that goal-meeting.
I've decided its time to slow down and live my life. Teaching won't be easy and it definately won't be slow, but for the first time ever- it won't be about me. There will be no degrees to finish, no promotions to earn. I've got 15 First-graders to turn into Second-graders. And that's it.
And when I get home, I get to be a mommy. I'll finally have time to spend with my kids. I'll also be able to take care of them the way I want to.
If this sounds like I'm trying to convince myself, that's because I am. I'm at the lovely point where I've jumped ship and now I have to swim to shore. I know what lies ahead is best, but the uncertainty makes me doubt myself. I worked hard for all those degrees and part of me feels like I'm throwing all that away. I'm giving up a respectable career and promotion to get back in the "trenches." That shit is scary. It feels like I am still wandering, but now I'm not going forward. I'm getting erratic. I think its going to take more conditioning to get me comfortable with this decision and realize that it doesn't matter what's best for me anymore (and that this change isn't a bad thing). There are other people more important than me in my life.


Kate said...

Congratulations! I love love love my first grade teacher - you must have a lot more energy than I do because that age exhausts me. :)

sunneshine said...

Change is good! And while you don't see yourself moving forward and still achieving - it sounds to me like you are. Its just a different path. Society doesn't know everything, sometimes you do know what's right for you... I wish you success and strength!